Betrayed by Love: Husband Faces Wife’s Secret Surrogacy Pact

You are having to deal with feelings of betrayal and heartbreak because your wife decided to be a surrogate for her best friend, E, without asking you beforehand or even talking to you about it first. You are worried about what this means for her health (she had complications during her first pregnancy), you feel like your wife should be standing up to E but clearly finds it easier to defer to her, and you feel like you are being shit on from a great height because there was a very important decision that affected your family and you weren’t part of it. You ended up moving out of your home as you think about divorcing your spouse, and every single person you tell about your marriage is split down the middle as to how they believe you should proceed. Your immediate family has your back with your feelings, but everybody else including her family tell you to think it over, for your son.

You’re discussing complicated dynamics here: the history of your friction with E, your wife’s secrecy, and the deep wound this betrayal led to for you. Sure, you love your wife and your son but you feel like blindsided; you feel like she disrespects you as a man by taking a vital decision — the decision that will affect your marriage, her health and your family stability.

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Ethics of Consent in Marriage

In a marriage, two people are involved, and many decisions need to be made together at least about things that affect the whole fam. This principle is violated when your wife goes ahead with surrogacy without running it by you first. Her body is her own, and if she wants to make whatever medical choices she wants, she can (surrogacy is a medical procedure, after all), but surrogacy is about more than just a medical decision; it’s about family and emotional support and being a spouse. Psychologists and courts both tend to agree that in anything significant, both parties need to consent to avoid undermining trust in the relationship.

Example: A California divorce case from 2019, in which a husband pleaded that the fact that his wife purported to be a surrogate in secret meant irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. The court recognized the right of the woman to do what she wanted with her body but said her failure to fully disclose her condition was a breach of the marriage’s implied partnership.

Health Risks of Pregnancy

I can see your concern for health as your wife had past experiences of complications. Pregnancy is a physically taxing endeavor, and pregnancy complications from the first pregnancy raise the risks for pregnancy in subsequent births. Should this have been a consequence of E, it tends to bring up a matter of whether she felt coerced. On an ethical ground, surrogacy should only be proceeded with if all parties involved are fully informed and consenting and healthy enough to be a part of the surrogacy arrangement.

Expert opinion: As explained by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), surrogacy is not appropriate when previous pregnancies had medical complications due to the need to protect the surrogate’s health.

Impact of Interference of Third Party in Marriage

It sounds like E has quite an impact on this marital conflict. That disinterest and grossness towards your partner have been shown in her comments and actions throughout. If E comes before your marriage for your wife, then it may indicate an inappropriate boundary in their friendship. All this should not be at the cost of marital faith or marital peace, because as important as friendships are, they will never be as important as a relationship with your spouse.

Mental health perspective: research on boundaries in marriage finds resentment and strife when third-party entanglements are not held in check. This has to be fixed with clear communication that the marriage should always take priority above any friendship.

Impact on Your Son

Divorce is a major, major decision, especially when there are children involved. Though you have every right to feel betrayed, there are those who would insist on reconciliation for the sake of stability for your son. But being in a marriage seething with resentment can also be bad for a child.

Research shows that kids do best when parents respect each other, whether together or apart (American Psychological Association). Should you aim towards reconciliation, therapy may be a crucial step along the way to be able to regain trust and provide a healthy example of conflict resolution for your son.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:

It is not bad if you are feeling betrayed or thinking about divorce. That secrecy—and omission from a huge decision—undermine the trust on which your marriage is built. But you might need couples therapy or legal mediation before you can make a final decision. This may help bring clarity on whether you can reconcile, if your son returning is worth taking the chance on reconciling or if separation is the healthiest choice for yourself and/ or your son.