Dad Sets Boundary for FIL’s Late-Night Arrival, Sparks Family Tension
Holidays With The OPs Father-In-Law (FIL) Staying 3 WEEKS At Their Place OP ALREADY thinks the visit is too long and, after a long drive, the conflict escalated when the FIL said he’d be arriving at 1am. Worried about this potentially derailing things—especially for their two young kids, aged 8 months and 3.5 years—OP resisted this timing, suggesting a travel window or an overnight at a hotel.
When OP’s wife spoke with her FIL he basically said he feels entitled about his presence and visiting is a privilege for the family. It was at this point that OP declared 1 a.m. “out of the question,” and a fight commenced. The FIL eventually budged on acceptable arrival times, but since then OP’s wife has called him controlling, for bringing her father up in a negative manner.
A dad worried his FIL coming to visit for Christmas at 1 AM would wake up the kids
He and his wife disagreed over whether his request was reasonable or not
The Challenges of Setting Boundaries in Family Dynamics
Boundaries with in-laws are perhaps one of the hottest points of contention in marriage, as it can often come down to how you balance your own comfortability versus family, not to mention the different expectations around personal boundaries. In this case OP is taking the needs of his household into account, and more importantly those of his young children, who are sure to be disturbed by early morning guests. For young kids, sleep schedules are fragile, and when one is disrupted, the whole family is affected, often resulting in behavior or mood dysregulation (Meltzer & Mindell, 2007, Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine.
Getting in at land 1 a.m., however, is greater than a slumber hazard; It is also logistical hell. Coming late at night is disturbing the routines, elevating the safety-related issues (i.e. lifting the heavy baggage, parking the car in the dark), and putting emotional pressure on the host, who is forced to be awake or readjust the comforts of the guests when they arrive. It seems perfectly reasonable and practical to ask the FIL to change his plans to the least disruptive thing he can to make it work.
Part of the FIL and his reaction may very well come from cultural and generational expectations around family roles. Mature generations see accommodations for extended stays and flexible arrangements as a norm of family intimacy. If a man comes to visit him the comment is “the man comes to visit his family”, indicating than coming over his family is a win for him perhaps not realizing the effort on the part of the hosts.
The OP and wife tension adds to the cherry on top of the sundae of shit here. Research on marital disagreement suggests that discontents with in-laws can originate from diverging interests: one partner is nominally more concerned with the needs of his or her nuclear family while the other is doing his or her duty to appease and maintain cohesion in his or her family of origin (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2010). OP’s wife might view the trip as an opportunity to further strengthen family ties with her father and thus might interpret OP’s unwillingness as objection that doesn’t need to be made (really it was about her father staying with OP and them/him having moved on).
The man clarified that the FIL can be “heavy footed and generally not great at being quiet”
1 a.m. is pretty late, especially if you have two kids in the house — OP is Not the A-hole here either, sorry! I know that his FIL’s visit is important, but arriving at a certain time seems reasonable so that the household is not being affected. Although OP sounds harsh, its words were coming from practical concerns, not so much a malicious place. If OP needs to soothe some ruffled feathers with his spouse, he could present the decision as being based on putting the children first, rather than being against her father.
