AITA: Banning Brother’s GF from Thanksgiving

Question Ask a Guy: Your 31-year-old man, Thanksgiving at home, dealing with wife, Lily, Have you bounce your brother’s girlfriend, Lindsey; she made too many comments; about your wife; not nice things. Though Lindsey has been courteous in family gatherings, she has slipped up with passive-aggressive comments that have made Lily feel scrutinized and uneasy. Things like call your decision not to have kids “selfish,” or downplay any of Lily’s careers he takes issue with (so far, her part-time job — not her entire career — is “cute”). These comments have accumulated over time and despite Lily’s attempts to keep the peace, you must do something about it.

When your brother Josh asked if Lindsey could come to Thanksgiving, you said no and gave your reasons, putting Lily’s emotional needs first. Josh thinks you are overreacting and that Lindsey’s comments are just “out of honesty.” This got into a fight where Josh was saying he won’t make the flight, and your parents were telling you to think again. At this point, you are asking yourself whether creating this boundary means you be unreasonable.

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Your choice represents a struggle that many face, keeping family relations healthy while still taking care of your spouse from emotional damage. Good relationships are based on mutual respect, and Lindsey is crossing the line here by insulting personal choices that mean a lot to you and Lily. Ramsay research family psychology reveals boundaries are critical to strong relationships, particularly if family is challenging a couple on values or lifestyle choices.

Reflections on Passive Aggressiveness

Passive-aggressive remarks—such as those Lindsey has made—often have a similarly subtle intent; cloaked in an innocuous sounding, socially acceptable surface, they harbor an underlying hostility. However criticism of someone’s path in life as in Lindsey saying, “But Lily has her acting career — or whatever you call it — so she doesn’t have to worry about not having children as much,” breaks down relationships and even if Lindsey thinks she is “just being honest” her words have an implicit judgment in them and maybe even a condemnation. Experts said it is important to address such behavior at the outset because failure to do so allows friction to build and trust to be lost.

Laws and Etiquette around Hosting

Hosts always, you and lily has the right as to who makes up the guest list to your home. Excluding someone from a family event may seem over the top — but stop and think: is including them reasonable if their behavior disrupts a safe and welcoming environment? Most manners mavens propose the host’s main responsibility is to create a peaceful get-together and that guests who ruin that peace—be it on purpose or not—may have to be uninvited. And based on you wanting to protect Lily’s feelings and the chill vibe of the celebration.

Examples: Handling Conflicts Among Family Members

You can see your own story in the online communities and advice columns. Such as if one partner or spouse feels disrespected by a family member or partner, then clearly setting a boundary of what is acceptable to the partner usually – but not without a fight before – resolves the situation. Some wished they had defended their partner earlier, while others said they found clarity encourages the wrongdoer to rethink their actions. Standing up for Lily is a sign that you are committed to her.

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

And rightfully so, you should always make your wife feel at home first before inviting someone to come who has been constantly disrespecting her. We will always be sorry that Josh felt as if caught in the middle, but Josh NEVER having stood up for Lindsey and Lindsey never having any middle-ground between the way Josh lives his life and how Lindsey lives hers – really is a perspective that to us never exists. It is not being petty, it is protecting a respectful environment for your home and your marriage. If Josh and Lindsey are able to have a conversation about it, that may be a way forward, but your boundaries stand either way.