‘AITA for refusing to share a coffee shop table with another patron because she smelled bad?’

A 22-year-old woman, who is the OP (original poster) in this story, had been studying in a busy coffee shop when another woman, who REEKED of weed, asked if she could share her table. The OP initially politely declined, saying she has a sensitivity to the smell of weed and doesn’t want to go inside. When she continued, though, the OP said in clearer terms the problem was her smell. The drama developed when the lady did not depart and put her things on the desk, which makes OP to drag in the steward, who sided with her and asked the different consumer to depart. OP’s friends said that she was rude for taking up a table in an area with limited seating, and claimed that she should not say things about the smell of a woman, even if it was a justified part of her actions.

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This situation touches on several social norms and ethical considerations relevant to public spaces like coffee shops. Below is an exploration of key themes:

1. Shared Spaces and Table Etiquette

• Coffee shops are often considered “third places” — communal spaces where people work, relax, or socialize. In crowded environments, there’s an unspoken etiquette encouraging patrons to share space when feasible. OP’s refusal to share might be perceived as contrary to this norm, particularly because tables are often viewed as communal property in such settings.
• However, OP’s purchase of multiple items arguably justifies her use of the table for an extended period, aligning with coffee shop business models that allow patrons to work while consuming. Policies on sharing tables vary by venue, but ultimately, staff sided with OP, indicating her actions fell within acceptable bounds for this establishment.

2. Sensory Sensitivities

• Sensory sensitivities, like OP’s aversion to the smell of marijuana, are valid personal boundaries. Research indicates that olfactory triggers can cause nausea and headaches in individuals, particularly when tied to strong or unpleasant smells. (Source: Journal of Neuroscience, 2020).
• OP attempted to navigate her discomfort by politely declining the initial request. Her subsequent direct comment about the woman’s odor, while blunt, may reflect the frustration of having her boundary dismissed. From an interpersonal standpoint, the comment could be seen as unnecessarily harsh, highlighting the fine line between asserting one’s needs and maintaining civility.

3. Entitlement and Social Pressure

• The other woman’s insistence on sitting at OP’s table despite being declined introduces a question of entitlement. When one patron overrides another’s autonomy in shared spaces, it can create discomfort and escalate conflict, as seen here.
• OP’s decision to involve staff underscores the principle that enforcing personal boundaries does not make someone inherently unreasonable. However, the social pressure of being in a crowded space likely contributed to the intensity of the interaction.

4. Communication and Empathy

• While OP had valid reasons for her actions, her comment about the smell may have crossed into judgmental territory, particularly given the stigma that can surround marijuana use, even in states where it is legal. Socially, addressing behavior (e.g., “I need personal space”) rather than personal attributes (e.g., “you smell”) tends to de-escalate conflicts.
• The friends’ feedback suggests a broader societal expectation to balance personal comfort with kindness, even in difficult situations. A more neutral response might have defused the situation without causing offense.

The internet had plenty of thoughts about the situation.

Under these circumstances, OP was fully within her rights to not want to share her table, especially since she is sensory sensitive and the other patron was so dismissive. So on the one hand, yes, her comment about the smell is rude, but on the other, it stemmed from her boundaries being crossed over and over and over and over. Though her behavior is unreasonable to begin with, that the other patron turned down sitting instead makes it all the more absurd. Engaging staff, at the end of the day, was how the public-minded tiff was properly settled.

In the future, OP may choose to use neutral language to enforce her boundaries (e.g. “I would rather not share at the moment”) if she is not comfortable sharing to avoid conflicts, but it does help to remain comfortable in the process of enforcing boundaries.