AITA for telling my fiancée that her sister can’t stay with us going forward?
Based on what you wrote, your fiancée’s sister is an obnoxious, power-driven bully who shirks personal responsibility. You 100% have every right to draw a line in the sand about who lives in your house, especially after that person has shown such utter disrespect for you, your family, and your relationship.
Your fiancée has an FSIL who appears to be enabled by her mother, thus, the childish behavior. She has a house, but she won’t stay there because she doesn’t want to pay anything, so the rest of us have to beg her to stay with us. Plus, the behavior she displayed at your birthday party and her blind faith in whatever was gospel at the temple tells me that she is emotionally dysfunctional and overly suggestible. You should not have to put up with such qualities in your own home.
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Conflict over family like this is more common in relationships than you would think, especially if one partner comes from a more enmeshed or dysfunctional family. Enmeshment in psychology is when one or more members of a family are too involved in the lives of others to the point where the family functions in a way that does not allow for independence among its members. Your fiancée seems to be really tangled up in her mother and sister’s web — look how they want to control her, and feel free enough that they also try to dictate your relationship.
You were right to say no to people staying in your home—your home is your sanctuary that needs to remain free from negativity which can take a serious toll on your mental health. According to psychology studies, a person who has dealt with the toxic family for a long time can develop stress, anxiety, and sometimes even tension in their partner.
Additionally, FSIL’s reactionary behaviors such as property destruction and sending messages where she mocks me, show anger and control. Of course women like her react with hostility when faced with boundaries, they are used to getting their way. Mark Goulston, an international expert on resolving disagreements, says the best thing to do is hold a firm boundary but one that has an element of calm in it.
What Should You Do?
- Stick to Your Boundaries: Do not let her manipulate or guilt-trip you into changing your stance. Allowing her to stay would only reinforce her behavior.
- Support Your Fiancée, but Be Firm: Your fiancée may feel caught in the middle, but she needs to recognize that catering to her sister’s whims isn’t sustainable.
- Consider Premarital Counseling: If your fiancée is asking you to apologize for simply protecting your own space, she might not fully see the toxicity in her family dynamic. Counseling could help her navigate the situation without jeopardizing your relationship.
- Address the Wedding Issue: If FSIL refuses to be the maid of honor, that’s her choice. You and your fiancée should focus on those who truly support your marriage.
At the end of the day, you’re not responsible for FSIL’s reactions. You’re simply ensuring that your home remains a place of peace—not a refuge for someone who thrives on drama.
