‘AITA for defending my husband’s stair-sitting habits?’ He can sit in the living room like an adult.’

You response pinpointed a crucial belief in family dynamics — boundaries. When family visit we all tend to give a little here or there, and that is ok. But not to completely erode your partner or the norms of your household. Studies of boundary setting in families indicate that strong boundaries help preserve positive relationships by minimizing confusion (Miller 2017). Standing your ground: show your mother that although you value her opinion, that is all it is. An opinion, not a dictate on how you and your spouse should lead your lives.

What Psychologists Said About Family Dynamics:

Psychologists would term it as enmeshed family dynamics when your mother labels your husband wrong on so many levels. It happens when one family member places rigid guidelines on the others often as a way to control others. In those instances, validation/counter (“I understand you think that is weird”) + “but it is his space and his choice” but also allow for self-advocacy.

While your mother cannot score extra points on her rigidity. Your dad’s laid-back response is a dead bee, proving how subjective this is. And harmless quirks — such as sitting in the stairwell — aren’t necessarily part of any widely held definition of “acting like an adult.” Of course, normalcy in the home is an elastic notion, one that can change from culture to culture and even within a single household. In minimalist living trends, more apparently improper uses of space—like sitting on stairs—are becoming more accepted as idiosyncratic and contextual rather than inherently unpermitted.

Hmmm Now What’s Ground Reality:

Even if you feel guilty wondering if you should have de-escalated the situation, remember to consider the price. While diplomacy usually means making some sacrifices, in this case, any concession would have watered down your husband’s benign compulsive behavior. This is just created a greater temptation for your mom to make more demands during subsequent visits. By standing up for him, you demonstrated that your marriage has one of the pillars of stable relationships (Gottman, 1999).

You probably should call your mom later and explain your POV. But do not apologize, but so these habit-breaking trips can go more smoothly next time around. For example, you might say:

That might be weird to you, Mom, but just let him do it because it’s not causing anybody any harm. I hope we can embrace our idiosyncrasies going forward.

But this validates her emotions without giving up control, which could save the relationship without losing your position.

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