"Trusting My Toddler Over My MIL: A Parenting Betrayal"

Mother (OP) and her husband are dealing with an ongoing situation with MIL, who repeatedly oversteps her boundaries as a grandmother. MIL is always sneaking candy, soda, and tea to OP’s 2.5 year old daughter when told point blank not to. On a recent visit, OP was comfortable enough that she let MIL alone with her daughter. A day and a half passed and OP daughter lightly said grandma clipped her hair (pointing to where he bangs used to be).

As the previous incident, where MIL had said that the baby needed a haircut and was told to “no,” clearly demonstrated, this haircut was a clear act of defiance against OP and her husband. In text, OP let MIL know that they were going to be going no-cntact for time. MIL denied it all, got hysterical and went on to call OPs husband and tell him that they shouldn’t be believing a toddler over her

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Here’s what top commenters had to say about this one:

When it comes down to it, this is a conflict over boundaries and respect between parents and children. Relatives — even well-meaning ones, like grandparents — rub parents the wrong way when they think they know better than the people raising the kids. According to psychologists, it is the importance of enforcing non-negotiable boundaries without fail in a family. When some kids see that rules set by their parents are ignored by others, it can provide a sort of permission to the kids, undermining parental control and confusing them as to who they should listen to.

Moreover, toddlers may be more creative or less creative in their own storytelling, but they are absolute hawks for watching and parroting experiences from mere moments ago. Child development experts say that Continued accurate recall of recent events, especially when the event involved a change in their own appearance, is observed in children as young as 2.5. If OP’s daughter even told a neighbor that same thing unsolicited, that just makes her more credible

While this might not be a criminal act, hair cutting without permission is still viewed as pushing the boundary of parental rights. In some instances, where custody was a factor, the inadvertent haircut has been viewed as a boundary violation bad enough to land a parent in court. In 2021, a Michigan father sued both his ex-wife and a school employee for cutting his biracial daughter’s hair without permission, claiming it caused emotional distress and violated his parental rights. This does not come anywhere close to that legal line, but MI takes a wide step over the line of respecting parental authority.

Considering MIL has never respected boundaries (she’s already low/no contact with her step-grandchildren), it makes total sense for OP to go no/low-contact themselves. This isn’t just about one haircut it goes back to a behavior that has historically disrespected OP and her husband as parents. Capslockcrazymama MIL has now acknowledged she cut the child’s hair, but that is only the one part of the iceberg beneath the surface … actually the major submerged part.

It sounds a little harsh but what you really want to do with a boundary is not punishment — it is to make sure OPs child is raised in an atmosphere where her parents are listened to. MIL has proven herself not to respect “no,” so some distance is a natural reaction. MIL is going to have to show that she can respect how they parent if she wants a relationship going forward.