Man Stops Letting Girlfriend’s 12-Year-Old Brother Win After Hearing Him Trash-Talk
Family relations are complex and tension can arise in unexpected ways, as this man found when he went to visit his partner’s family. Weirdly enough, he would usually let her 12-year-old brother win at Call of Duty because he wanted to foster a brotherly rapport. But everything changed when he heard the kid telling his friends the insult that fueled it, where he was called a derogatory term to call someone who plays video games, and how his girlfriend must have been out of her mind if she was dating that loser.
The man was wounded but carried on, bringing the child to a game in the existence of his companions. This time, he gave it all he had and showed his true skills to the boy, who was left instead nearly in tears after losing the game. Although the boy’s mates enjoyed the moment, his girlfriend was certainly not amused, claiming her brother had done nothing wrong and that the man was overreacting to the actions of a child. Now, the man is questioning whether they went too far — or whether he was justified in defending himself.
Mollycoddling kids is not always the right way to go as they occasionally also need to be humbled
Whenever the poster played any competitive games with his girlfriend’s brother, he always let him win
Balancing Accountability and Sensitivity with Children
Balancing the need for accountability with empathy makes navigating conflicts with children challenging. The brother of a girlfriend (the person who has a girlfriend or boyfriend/partner) in this case is a little beyond the playful mocking stage and gets somewhat disrespectful. Making fun of someone for their abilities — particularly in front of peers — is cruel, and it may be appropriate for parents to intervene to draw a red line on acceptable behavior and instill a respect for others. The solution has split opinion, however.
Encouraging Accountability Through Games
While video games are often a bonding experience, they are also a very appropriate vehicle for conveying lessons about humility and hard work. The Journal of Adolescent Research concludes that competitive gaming could cultivate important life skills such as perseverance and emotional regulation through constructive attitudes to win/lose experiences. By using all of his abilities when he played, the man also showed the boy that you cannot really judge what anyone can do. Nothing wrong with this in and of itself, as it forced a healthy dose of realism and tempered the boy’s hubris if you will.
But public humiliation, even if unintentional, is detrimental to a child’s growth. Research for Child Psychology Quarterly suggests public failures have more of an impact at pre-adolescent ages when kids are extremely sensitive about what their peers think about them. So, maybe the man was attempting to kick the the humility level of the boy, but consequence would probably be letalone the kid feeling outcasted, ridiculed and humiliated in front of his peers, ultimately leading to resentfulness instead of contemplation.
The Role of Constructive Feedback
Conflict resolution among children should ideally involve feedback or critique. Commenting directly to this boy, in private, about what he said at break, was much more likely to engender respect on both sides. The psychologists are all about the “connect before correct” — meaning to be sure to have a positive conversation before addressing negative behavior. This might have freed the man to explain how the insults stung, and how they might affect his relationship with his girlfriend.
Setting Boundaries with Younger Family Members
Kids will push their limits, especially with people they know that are easy going or forgiving. The earlier habit of letting the boy win in games may have unwittingly fuelled his belief that the man’s capabilities are inferior to his. Maintaining a friendly relationship is great, but we must be consistent with boundaries. Family Systems Review experts suggest that there must be clear expectations around mutual respect regardless of the context — even in a playful one.
The worst thing that could have happened in this case was that the man was hurt and he acted on that, but he did not come prepared to harm anyone. The decision to try to solve this with a game instead of a chat perhaps made things worse. While his girlfriend is correct that her brother is “just a kid,” that does not and should not excuse the boy’s actions, either. By winning the game and then having a calm discussion about the need for respect, that would have been the better middle ground.
In an instant, folks sided with the poster and claimed that the kid needed to be taught a lesson and not be mollycoddled
The man is not being mean, but how he tried to make a point could have devastated a child far worse than it was necessary. Teaching respect and not tolerating disrespect is necessary, but even that can be soft (or well-received) if done with love. But straight to the boy in private could mend the rift and help establish boundaries going forward.
