Husband Struggles with Wife’s Response to Perceived Emergency: Can Trust Be Rebuilt?
The OP (34M) describes how this incident disturbed him and his wife (42F) — herself a stay-at-home mom — thinking their home was about to be broken into. When she opened the door and saw a man, she thought holding a hammer, she ran out the back door, leaving the couple’s 8-month-old twin daughters asleep in their cribs. So she ran down the street yelling for someone to call the police. Turned out he was a repair guy who thought their home was that of a neighbor’s.
Op was there to comfort his wife when the tragedy struck but since then he has not been able to get past the fact that SHE LEFT THEIR DAUGHTERS! This has resurfaced some underlying marital tensions, with his wife alleging that he is not being supportive enough and that he believes there is still some level of double standard with regard to parenting dynamics. OP also writes how his wife has mocked therapy, scoffed at him for calling up someone to talk through his problems, and resisted efforts for couples counseling.
When a person is stuck in a fight-or-flight situation, they choose the option that’s beneficial for them
The poster’s wife was alone with their 8-month-old twins when she saw a man trying to enter their house and thought it was an invasion
Fight-or-Flight Responses and Parental Responsibilities
During situations of danger perceived as life-threatening, a “fight-or-flight” response leads to primitive behaviors. Research on this phenomenon (Neuroscience and Biobehavioral Reviews, 2016) explains that when stress reaches the extreme, individuals may even only think about self-preservation since they may also be far away from protecting others. This does add a little context to OP’s wifeIs actions but in no way absolves her of her responsibility in leaving these children behind, if I were in her shoes with danger being ambiguous, she did not act like a primary care giver
And this cycle − the departure from the specific event − is the real problem here. The behavior of OP’s wife—making fun of his therapy, brushing off counseling, and if it’s relevant, holding him to a different standard—points to larger relationship problems. Good relationships will involve mutual accountability, respect, and some measure of shared responsibility. The fact that OP’s wife shows no desire to discuss the incident productively and was unwilling to work toward making things right only serves to further cement why OP can’t trust her for making the right choice for their relationship.
Addressing the Double Standard:
Which is exactly why OP should be rightfully frustrated with the double standard. He expects his wife to be diligent and proactive, but her overblown reaction in response to what he sees as panic signals that clearly the two are not on the same page. Contrast that with her criticism of him for pausing between parenting duties, like taking a shower while the children are crying, and her choice to leave the twins alone during the incident.
Dealing with these inequities requires some form of organized dialogue, preferably with the assistance of trained facilitators. If OP’s wife refuses therapy, longer-term solutions could include family therapy or even written letters reiterating expectations and consequences to help where appropriate accountability can occur. Otherwise, that resentment will likely fester.
Trust and Future Steps:
It is incident has obviously damaged OPs faith in his wife delivering their kids to safety when it matters the most. He understands that her panic is part of the fight-or-flight mechanism, but her focus on socialization followed by ignoring him in a panicked state on some text message is no signal of a willingness to reconcile that trust. Regaining trust from the past of clearly understanding, collectively accountable, and ready hard conversations.
If OP has no hope with her refusing therapy/counseling — then he may need to reassess their long term plans. If his wife does not want to work on their problems, he will have to figure out whether his staying in the marriage is consistent with who he is as a man and his responsibility to his children.
Folks online were divided as some were shocked by her reaction while others claimed that the couple had some real marital problems
This puts OP in the middle of a double bind, his wife’s actions, and her unwillingness to talk about how he feels, causing her problems. Sure, she just reacted instinctively at first, but then she brushed OP aside and refused to face up to more serious problems in the marriage, which is not really a team effort. Truth be told, OP shouldn’t feel wrong in asking what the next step is when you don’t feel respected and believe your trust is being broken.
