‘AITA for being hurt that my MIL wanted to exclude my daughter from Thanksgiving and Christmas to protect my SIL?’

Walk the line between compassion and exclusion:

While the story highlights the reality of caring for family in need, including an extended family, it also illustrates the razor-thin line between that care and turning people away. Research illustrates that infertility can provoke feelings of grief, solitude, and even hostility towards those who can bear children—profoundly emotional consequences of a lifelong process. SIL is understandably hurt, but asking OP and her baby to skip family holidays means favoring SIL’s needs at the potential expense of OP and her family’s inclusion on important occasions, which is detrimental to healthy familial dynamics.

Family counselors will recommend “both/and” solutions in which one family member’s struggles are legitimately acknowledged while instead of escalating into a “one or the other” equation that splits up and invalidates the family as a unit. Adjustments should be made, however—like focusing on things they can do together outside of the baby—so Ashley can still feel supported without OP and her daughter being marginalized from the equation.

Why Not to Exclude:

Then there are the legal and ethical considerations, but that is beyond the family–this is a family issue. Not allowing a mother and baby access to holiday gatherings communicates that they are lesser. In an ethical family, everyone is treated fairly and with mutual respect — no one feels less than. Some Family Estrangement Studies Show How Exclusion During Formative Years Often Breaks Long-term Bonds. This will result in OP having even lasting mistrust not only from MIL but to Ashley as well.

Story Comparisons:

In culture columns and advice columns alike, tensions have occurred over similar stories.

For example:

One family left out a sibling with a newly-recruited partner so as not to upset an ex-spouse, creating a rift in family trust.

A wife whose child’s presence was not welcomed at her brother-in-law’s spirited wedding to avoid “distractions” asked her husband not to attend and the resentment continued into the new marriage.

In each situation, the real problem was the inability to shape a compromise that respected everyone place within the family. The solutions included frank conversations, facilitated discussions, and in some instances, professional counseling.

Children get affected:

They would hardly get that time to get bonded with their close relatives who mostly live in other regions, thus having a less stiff family bond. But for OP who has no other family, these initial interactions are really important. When MIL suggested she would “bond when I get back” and referred to “future opportunities,” this could have felt like she was minimizing OP’s need for some bonding time as a new mother and her wish to create good memories for her child.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post: