Man goes ‘all out’ for co-worker’s Secret Santa, wife calls him out. ‘He made me pick my own birthday gift.’ AITA?

Your disappointment and jealousy are completely understandable, and unfortunately pretty common in long-term relationships. Because partners in a relationship gain a sense of security, research has shown that partners tend to take each other and each other’s needs for granted over time. According to Jan 2, 2023 — 8.02am Before You Go On One of the foremost researchers on marital stability, Dr. John Gottman, always mentions that these little acts of thoughtfulness and effort are all it takes to keep that emotional connection strong over the years. It is not simply about the gift itself but about the sweat and heart that goes into it.

This discrepancy in effort also relates to another common issue in relationships: seeking external validation instead of internal. The desire to “win” that Secret Santa challenge pumped up your husband’s ingenuity and investment, and the relaxed bond that you both share have caused your husband to have less motivation to impress you. His coworkers, he notes, are more competitive, and when judgment looms, it’s not unusual for people to be paying closer attention.

There was nothing illegal or even borderline at stake here — the giving of the presents was completely within the confines of the standard Secret Santa traditions you see at work. But if his behavior is making you feel discarded, the emotional imbalance could become unhealthy. The solution to that is open communication. Jealousy isn’t always due to insecurity; it can occasionally indicate unfulfilled emotional needs in a relationship. This way, he could realize just how much his actions affect you and even when you are unarmed!

Behavioral couples therapy case studies suggest that getting him talking about how his act affected you is likely to be far more effective than blaming him for it. For instance, “I was so impressed with how much effort you spent on that gift, it really shows what a thoughtful, and talented person you are. I’d like to evoke that same level of effort when it comes to our relationship.

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