Who Brings the Bird? A Thanksgiving Hosting Dilemma

Three holidays are Hosted each year, each Hosted by a different family. The tradition of rotating between family/friends for Hosting holidays has been around for over a decade. Such that it is hardly with enthusiasm that this year the group said to celebrate Thanksgiving — lacked any pretense of hosting. They created a groupchat to divvy up potluck dishes, and signed up for easy ones (vegan turkey, asparagus and pie) The Thanksgiving turkey was the main dish, so when the host zeroed in on OP and their partner to bring it, OP politely said, “No.” They volunteered to bring another appetizer instead. The host seems to have taken this badly, and OP is now wondering if they were wrong to turn him down.

An event that needs to be unpacked is around perceived responsibilities of hosting and hosting expectations. According to OP, it is tradition that whoever hosts Thanksgiving provides the turkey, and the fact that the host won’t contribute more has left OP feeling the squeeze. This dynamic has created some tension and I feel like I might end up being painted as the bad guy.

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Sure, at its heart this is a conflict over hosting protocol and community culture. The turkey is traditionally the highlight of the meal, and the burden falls upon the host of the Thanksgiving dinner. In turn, this correlates with the importance of turkey both symbolically and literally, as a staple of Thanksgiving and a reflection of the host’s desire to provide a quality experience.

Responsibilities of Hosting

Normative Pressures: Expectation to Host Thanksgiving: Thanksgiving is seen as an important event that not only takes hard work to coordinate logistically, but also resources to prepare key dishes. American research (food studies and studies of cultural expectations) reminds us the turkey represents the host in most contexts.

Delegation in Potlucks Human beings are creatures of convenience, and while potlucks make it easier on the hosts, there is an unspoken agreement that as long as no arrangements have been made: the host will take care of the starring dishes, specially the “main event.” Research on group dining strategies suggests that we should share our workloads fairly to avoid building up animosities.

Why You’ll Need to Delegate the Turkey

Giving the turkey to a guest could mean one of several things:

Hosts may not want to host: The Thanksgiving hosts are attempting to cut back their work by opting for less labor-intensive dishes themselves. If they feel like hosting is a chore instead of a treat, that could explain why they’re welcome to the idea of passing on turkey himself.

Lack of clarity on expectations: Maybe the host thinks of Thanksgiving as a group project and no one person should be solely responsible for holiday staples—a departure from the traditional norm that has caused some tension.

Comparable Cases

Similar conflicts pop up each year on systems like Reddit’s AITA or etiquette-based conversations nearly vacation hosting. Some themes include:

To Implicit: We can never set clear goals for others. Take, for example, this 2021 Reddit post, in which a host was responsible for delegating Thanksgiving turkey because they had a lot on their plate, so to speak, and their guests resented the situation since they ultimately ended up with more of the burden.

Entitlement or Burnout — a host who is trying to “opt-out” of a bunch of responsibilities is likely going to get guests asking if the host even needs to do the event.

Compromise Solutions: Depending on the specific situation, these types of scenarios often get sorted out in group transparency — either through round-table discussion about the role assignment, or guests choosing to opt-out & share hosting duties.

Broader Implications

This friction, if it continues, can lead to blurring goodwill in the group. Thanksgiving is a holiday of gratitude and teamwork — unless you think one party is getting stuck doing all the heavy lifting, which generates a load of resentment. This may help to avoid clashes in the future by suggesting alternative arrangements (e.g. rotating who does the turkey year-by-year or simplifying the affair altogether).

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

You’re Not The Asshole For Not Bringing The Turkey Part of that spirit is not delegating the central dish but trying to take all the credits of the hosting game. But instead of making a scene, how about in-house negotiations? You could say something like:

Hi, I wanted to check in because this year is a little different with Thanksgiving in the planning stages. We would be glad to help out even more if necessary but hosting this year only seems too much! Should we rethink the way we are doing Thanksgiving?

Such an approach may prompt tentativeness, elucidate clarity of expectations and lead to a more fair resolution. Alternatively, if they are still upset or are not willing to compromise, the group may need to consider if continuing to do Thanksgiving this way is viable in the future.