Man Refuses to Cancel Plans for Last-Minute Childcare, Tells Cousin It’s Her Responsibility
The OP (40M) tells how he and his cousin (25F) have an ongoing issue with her calling on family and relatives to do free baby sitting when it suits her by asking for her 5-year-old son to go round to theirs in order to give her and her partner time to themselves. She recently asked OP to cancel long-awaited plans to go to a wrestling show with a friend he hasn’t seen in two years because she was “feeling overwhelmed” with infant twins, and called the idea of family being her “village”. OP finally had enough of her expecting her to deal with her care, getting angry that she didn’t plan, and decided to tell her to take her child and not act as if they are her own. He also reminded her that it is not his fault that she had a child by a loser. OP now wonders if he was being too much of an a h.
It’s nice to have family nearby to help with childcare
But some folks end up asking for too much or refusing to take a “no” as an answer
Family Support vs. Personal Responsibility
The phrase — “it takes a village” — reminds us that these cold, hard five words declare that children are not raised in a vacuum, but rather that a community and an extended family is essential in the child-rearing process. But this idea is based on mutual cooperation, respect, and balance. It’s reasonable to lean on family for support, as long as you do so with clear communications and understanding, but constantly resorting to family—especially on short-notice—can wear thin. Research indicates that support systems work best when boundaries are honored and when obligations are willingly assumed, and not coerced (Journal of Family Psychology, 2015).
Actually, OP is most frustrated that his cousin picks and chooses when to ask and how to ask — it feels more like he expects to willingly sacrifice rather than offering to partner up on the trip. It may be that, as part of a family, one helps out occasionally, but that doesn’t exonerate a parent from the more primary obligation to ensure dependable childcare; Through her demand that OP cancel on long-standing plans, his cousin clearly put her desires above the value of his personal time.
But OPs response was honest, even if a bit raw, he touched upon a real issue. While saying that her babysitting is “her damn job” shows his boundaries, calling her boyfriend a “loser” could just be needlessly poking a bear. A more restrained tactic could have highlighted boundaries, avoiding so much personal attack, and said he was available because he wanted to be, not because he was being pressured.
The cousin seems to have failed to plan and account for her own actions. If she is at her wit’s end, she may need the more formal structure of local childcare programs, parenting groups, or planned family help. This has put pressure on relationships and even may leave her high and dry when times are tough.
Most thought he was being reasonable
OP is Not the A-hole for not canceling plans or stating that childcare is ultimately his cousin’s responsibility It is rude of his cousin to expect free, last minute babysitting, and OP is right to draw the line there. His tone could have been easier (more on this in a second), but the message is still true: family support is a privilege, not a right, and it takes a family willing to show each other respect to work.
