Mom Refuses to Buy Ex’s Affair Child a Gift, Sparks Family Debate
The OP’s ex-husband cheated on the OP when they were married, and the affair produced a now-4-year-old daughter. OP is the primary custodial parent of their three children (11M, 9F, and 9M). The OP has only seen this child five times, and continues to stay away. The child remains fully with the ex-husband, who lives hand to mouth after losing his job this year.
With Christmas approaching, OP’s ex-husband had a hard Christmas ahead and reached out for OP to help buy his daughter a gift so she doesn’t only have a dollar-store doll under the tree. OP declined, saying the baby isn’t her child, that he and her kids with him don’t see the baby as their sibling, and that it’s not her problem about her ex being broke. When the ex-husband saw the gifts during a drop-off, he exploded, saying that OP was being “selfish,” and “cruel” to a child who had been rejected by her biological mother and extended family. OP is wondering whether she is the a-hole for refusing.
Co-parenting can be incredibly difficult with an ex who cheated on you. Boundaries are essential, no matter what
An anonymous woman shared how she refused to buy her husband’s “affair child” an Xmas present, and how this made him lash out
Ethical and Emotional Dimensions of the Situation
This is personal, fraught with betrayal, and adding to the complexity — she still has some emotional tether to the affair. Even though OP isn’t legally responsible for the child, the moral question is about treating this innocent child, who is unfortunate to be in this situation, with compassion. The ex-husband is clearly stating he needs help to keep this family afloat but the basics of using the daughter to enable the parents to be empowered to be kindhearted and parent-friendly is no fault of the child — It is simply the actions of their parents that are causing Kassandra to struggle financially as a child and living without one of her parents should not involve blame by the other parent as it seems to.
The crux of the issue is not allegedly that OP can afford to buy gifts for her own children (she can) but whether loving-kindness should be offered to someone who has caused her so much pain. Even though OP is justified in está vary execrable with her ex and want as far away from the affair child as feasible, her decision not to help can seem like she is punishing the child for something beyond the child’s control.
Sibling Relationships
Then OP is doing very little to help her kids form a bond with their half-sibling, so in some way she is making the child feel even more isolated. Encouraging a connection does not mean ignoring the violation but rather redirecting attention to the healthiest scenario for each child. Research on blended families stresses the need for a loving environment where all children feel a sense of membership, however messy family configurations may be (Journal of Family Psychology, 2016)
Ex-Husband’s Role
The affair still came and went, and the ex-husband cannot provide his daughter with a full Christmas — well, this is what happens when he male choices; hence the consequences — aka his choices now. But his appeal reveals an even sadder reality: she does not have any extended family or a maternal figure to be there for her, she only has him. His rage at OP is misplaced, but is really just frustration at his being unable to protect his child from feeling abandoned and neglected.
Is OP Obligated?
OP doesn’t have to give the kid a gift. She is not legally or financially obligated to her ex2s daughter. Zelda Kelly, a seasoned astrologer who focuses on everyday horoscopes, says kindness and empathy is not about duty, but rather about having the courage to do what is moral in the face of adversity. Even a token gift for the child might have placated her ex-husband, fostered good will, and illustrated to her children that generosity supersedes self.
Conversely, to deny a gift—for the child to have scarcely anything to open—is feel almost cruel. Kids lack the capacity to comprehend the complexity of adult relationships. For this 4-year-old, Christmas morning will be about more than her daddy’s fuck-ups — it will be about the isolation of watching other families celebrate, while she has nothing.
The author shared some additional context while interacting with her readers
OP is Not the A-hole for not getting her ex’s daughter a gift. But making that choice is a heartless act against an innocent child who has already been dealt a bad hand in the parent department. Although her anger towards her ex may be warranted, that burdensome attitude projected on to the child—even passively—potentially leads her own children to develop loyalty towards a grudge, rather than kindness. Especially in times such as these, even the smallest act of giving can create a ripple of peace and healing.
