“AITA for telling my best friend that her mother wants to throw her a surprise baby shower?”

This is not an example of someone who is out of control. This is a classic case of toxic family dynamics and control. E is her mom, who is being narcissistic or manipulative [and] making the baby shower about her and not about what E wants. OP has been the victim of classic emotional manipulation — the guilt tripping, the emotional outbursts, the smear campaign against OP — all typical controlling family member behavior to try and get their way.

But that her wedding was effectively stolen from her by her in-laws, and changed into a reflection of what they wanted, rather than a reflection of E’s desire, says to me this is something that has been allowed to happen to her time and time again. Related: OP probably saw this & wanted to make sure that E got a birthday that was about her and only her – no interference. Yet E’s mother just does not seem to get that E stands to gain nothing from the wedding day itself so far as she is concerned and loses everything but a chance to partake in her own self-indulgent quest to have a driverless wedding day.

Why OP Was Right to Tell E:

1. Respecting E’s Preferences: OP knew that E would not enjoy a surprise party and acted in her best interest. Keeping it a secret would have gone against what E explicitly stated.
2. Honoring Boundaries: E had already communicated that she wanted OP to host the shower, and OP respected that. E’s mother trying to override this decision is a blatant dismissal of E’s autonomy.
3. Avoiding a Bigger Blow-Up Later: If OP had gone along with the surprise plan, E likely would have been even more upset upon finding out, leading to an even worse fallout with her mother.

Why E’s Mom’s Reaction is Unreasonable:

• Weaponizing Guilt: Instead of accepting her daughter’s wishes, she framed E as ungrateful, which is a form of emotional blackmail.
• Attacking OP’s Character: Calling OP “sneaky” and “controlling” is a deflection tactic meant to shift blame away from her own inappropriate behavior.
• Refusing Compromise: E’s mother could have still helped with the shower in a way that respected E’s wishes, but she chose an “all or nothing” approach, further showing her intent was about control, not care.

What Should Happen Next?

E should take the job of setting strong boundaries with her mother very seriously and it will be so vital once she becomes a parent. It sounds like OP’s mom is correct: This isn’t just about the shower anymore. Going into motherhood herself, this aspect of E accommodating her mother’s feelings may quickly evolve into not knowing how to stand up for herself in decisions that lie ahead.

E should make it clear:

• She is grateful for her mother’s involvement but her wishes must be respected.
• If her mother refuses to participate unless she gets her way, that is her choice, not E’s fault.
• She will no longer engage in arguments where guilt and emotional manipulation are the primary tactics.

For OP, she should step back from further interactions with E’s mother. She handled the situation gracefully, but continuing to apologize or engage would only feed into the drama. OP was trying to do the right thing for her friend, and the real villain here is the mother’s refusal to respect boundaries.

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