Woman’s brother snubs her birthday, then refuses to attend her son’s party until SHE apologizes. AITA?

We totally feel your pain on that one. Turning 30—where you really wanted more than just a party, but some type of thing with your close to you, especially after what you felt was a missed opportunity and a regret for your wedding! You provided sufficient notice, paid the venue in advance, and expressed the significance of this to you. And your brother not attending, not due to an unavoidable emergency, but due to a new puppy — that hurt, too.

Even worse than missing it, is how dismissive he was after you told him how you felt. You weren’t asking him to cancel plans right away — all you needed was his acknowledgment that your feelings were sensible. Instead of taking responsibility for CALLING you, he flipped it on you like you were just playing guilt for no apparent reason which was not true at all; you just simply wanted to know that he still gave a damn. This isn’t the first time this has happened (son’s party) and so it plays into the pattern whereby he is never putting you first the way you have with him.

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This situation explains one of the dynamics, usually witnessed in family relationships — emotional labor and one-sided effort. Dr. Ashna A. Sarangapani explains, that emotional labor is the amount of energy we spend regulating feelings—our own and others’—in relationships. And I can see how this played out a lot in your family, first when having to be there for your brother during your parents divorce, and then always being the one to care, to reach out and to try. But if the emotional labour is almost entirely one-sided, that leads to resentment.

Furthermore, your brother would have had to be emotionally avoidant in response. He mislabels them as “guilt-tripping,” which is a deflection method commonly employed by those who don’t excel at emotional discussions instead of actually processing your feelings. Then, his reaction to the birthday party drama with your son—which was less about supporting you with your fear (justified though it may be in his eyes) of being exposed in front of your son (which is a horrible feeling and one that is not easy to shake), and more about him and how you crying made him feel—only really reinforces that it is the case.

However, he is now using his attendance at your son party as a bargaining chip until you apologize and this is not healthy. He is aware that you would like him to be there, and he is using it to his advantage to get you to be the first one to yield. However, like you said, you’ve already offered the olive branch with the invite. You are not shunning him or punishing him — you simply are declining to take the blame for something that was not your fault.

Reddit Comments:

Uh no, you have nothing to apologize for. But saying sorry when you have nothing to apologize for only continues the awful cycle of your feelings not mattering, and your brother walking away without any consequences. Always apologizing to keep the peace teaches him that your feelings are less important than his discomfort.

However, without an apology, you could bring up a discusion to move on. You might say something like:

T. can I tell you something (its because I want you to be at [son’s name] birthday so I sent you the invite not because I feel im apologize for hurt I have before so its a (Ego)” I don’t want to argue anymore but I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to suppress all my feelings so that you are comfortable. If you want to discuss how we go from here, I am willing to do that.

Use this one, and it’s evident you’re not messing around, but you aren’t folding either. If he decides not to show up, not your fault, his own.

However, as mentioned earlier, all relationships need to be two-way. You’ve done your part. You are not to be guilty if he thinks to keep away from you.