Fiancé Threatens Breakup over Sibling Bond Am I Crossing a Line?

It falls a young woman, aged 25, in the midst of a mid relationship crisis. A visit to her family home, to comfort her 17-year-old brother (in pieces) saw her kiss him on the cheek — an act she considered innocent and sisterly. She has been with her fiancé for three years, 29M, who was not so impressed and responded by calling the sibling affection ‘gross’ labelling her s relationship with her brother as ‘weird’ Even after she tried to explain the emotional backstory (including that they had both grown up with an abusive father), her fiancé told her he was calling off the engagement. OP’s fiancé’s mother even told OP to “stay away” from her own brother to make the marriage work. And now OP is thinking “Maybe it is wrong to be that close to my brother—AM I the asshole?”

The conflict here consists of a cultural and emotional misinterpretation of familial physical intimacy. OP believes it all comes from a place of protectiveness and love, developed from trauma as a child. However, his fiancé believes this closeness is inappropriate, telling her that the way her posture towards her ex has “creeped him out” due to their “suggestive touching.” On to OP, who needs to know: Is she being inappropriate with her brother? Is her fiancé just making something harmless into a problem?

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Siblings, let’s face it; in cultures, within families, and even with in personal experience, physical affection varies greatly. Decades of research on sibling relationships has shown that, especially in families in which trauma (e.g., domestic violence) has occurred, older siblings often take on quasi-parental responsibilities for younger siblings. Research from 2018 published in Journal of Family Issues found that under such circumstances, older siblings begin to experience protectiveness that can manifest as compensation, even using physical comfort such as a hug and peck on the cheek for regulation, in turn relying on the elder to diffuse anxiety when their parents cannot steady the ship (1). By the sounds of it, OP’s close relationship with her brother is a result of years of trauma, rather than anything sexual or inappropriate.

However from a psychological standpoint, this distaste in the fiancé may well be an alien feeling when it comes to how tightly-woven sibling interaction can be; especially for a only child, they probably would find it hard to adjusting time. Since no one knows the experience of being a sibling better than a sibling, researchers found that only children, by nature of lack of experience, sometimes have trouble grasping that particular kind of bond (2). To those raised as only children, what might look like familiarity or even overkill, is just the way things roll for those of us with siblings. Age differences also have a huge impact: in some cultures it is common for family members to show physical love to one another way beyond the family unit into adulthood while in others, living in emotional isolation is encouraged. Without shared understanding, this can lead to a lot of misreading — which, in this case, appears to be what has happened.

Affectionate, platonic familial behavior is distinguished between inappropriate conduct both in law and in social expectations. Kissing your sibling on the cheek, or hugging them, even snuggling up to them during some emotionally vulnerable conversation — NONE of these things crossed the legal or ethical line, unless actual sexual intent was put forth as evidence (which it is not in this post). The type of cases where siblings are inappropriate with each other typically involve grooming dynamics, secrets from the parents (who are believed to be the protector, not the abuser), and sexual behavior done together — which OP mentions none of in her post.

But the fiancé’s reaction — turning discomfort into an ‘affair’ accusation and racing for the door — implies a kind of insecure craziness of his own, and very possibly some backstory. Instead of expressing what he was feeling in a healthier way (for example, asking the question for clarification or saying he needed to leave if what was happening was really making him uncomfortable), he instead leaped to extremes. Exactly — even OP’s mother is saying hey, don’t get too attached to your brother, are you serious??? She doesn’t care about the whole bond thing, and considering that that means her own kid, she should care or at least understand that he’s being a jerk.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:

OP nothing at all weird here, or inherently “wrong” or inappropriate in how you are with your brother from what you’ve shared. Even though your family trauma and the support you offer your brother melts together perfectly fine. It is common, especially in families where the bond is tight, that we have to comfort our younger brothers and sisters who are struggling, and sometimes, even with gestures such as embracing or kissing on the cheek.

However, regardless of whether this is incestuous or wrong behaviour, your fiancé’s response is problematic —not because he doesn’t deserve to feel disgusted and uncomfortable, but because rather than engaging with you and hearing you out, fully suggested vilifying you, jump straight to incest-segue, and get his mother involved, without even having waited for you to explain or come to a compromise. Healthy relationships require communication and empathy. Rather than that, he has given deadlines.

Eventually, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to fade or cut your relationship with your brother to satisfy a person who appears unwilling to see you. If your fiancé was willing to work through his discomfort, couples therapy may have been helpful here. However if his only answer to it — is to shame you and tell you to pull back your familial love — that is a red flag.

If you want your relationship to work, then I would give a neutral chat explaining where the model of your relationship with your brother has gotten its start — in pseudo-psychological terms. But if your fiancé still believes that your family dynamic is “gross” after all of that clarification, you may want to think: Do I really want to spend my life with someone who thinks my relationship with my brother is something to be ashamed of?

You have not done anything wrong — it is for your peace of mind. However, you now have a decision to make regarding the sustainability of this relationship, if there is no empathy or understanding involved.