Woman tells aunt; ‘Your miscarriage DOESN’T make you special.’ AITA?
My (18F) aunt (48F) who just had a miscarriage, My (12F) little sister is excited to turn 13 in July. It seems the birthday talk was hard for their aunt since her baby was meant to be due on the same day.
Back to OP who came home one day to cry out her sister The sister explained that an aunt said she was not special and that it was “selfish” for her to be excited about her birthday. This made OP furious, and she confronted her aunt, who defended herself by stating she just recently had a miscarriage. OP also responded that her aunt’s loss did not entitle her to strike out at others, nor that her circumstances should make her “special.” The aunt went like this crying calling OP an AH and now most of the family agrees with her while only a few support OP.
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Miscarriage is an incredibly painful experience, both emotionally and physically. Studies indicate that women who suffer miscarriages may experience grief comparable to losing a close family member, along with potential feelings of guilt, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Farren et al., 2018). Given this, OP’s aunt is likely struggling with unresolved emotions, and her reaction—while hurtful—stems from grief rather than outright malice.
However, grief does not justify mistreating others, especially a child. Psychological research suggests that unchecked grief can sometimes lead to displaced anger, where individuals take out their pain on others who are not responsible for their suffering (Worden, 2008). In this case, the aunt appears to have projected her pain onto OP’s sister, unfairly making a 12-year-old feel guilty for something she had no control over.
While OP’s response was blunt, it was rooted in a defense of her sister. However, the wording—especially calling her aunt “not special”—was harsh and could have been expressed in a more compassionate way. Instead of invalidating her grief, OP could have set a boundary while acknowledging her aunt’s pain, such as saying, “I understand you’re hurting, but that doesn’t make it okay to treat my sister this way.”
Let’s see what readers thought:
Aunt: AH for taking out on a child because she is grieving.
OP: A bit rude but sounds reasonable. Her anger should be understood but her words could have been more moderated.
Family: People protect the suffering, as grief makes unique demands on the family.
Verdict: Kinda Not the Asshole but You Could Have Framed it More Gracefully
