‘AITA for agreeing to babysit for my friend without asking my partner first?’
You (26F) volunteered to watch your friend’s (21F) 1.5-year-old on Fridays while she goes to night classes since her original child care fell through. Since you work as a nurse and get Fridays off, and because you already do most of the childcare for your 1-year-old on Fridays while your boyfriend, Nick, has his “off day,” you thought it would be fine. But then when you told Nick about it, he was annoyed that you hadn’t asked him first.
He was still irritated and passive aggressive when your friend came to pick her kid up, and you would have never expected him to help, and you could not blame him. Now, he is over there, and you are wondering whether you really should have put this in the hands of the two without him.
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Though you are technically alone with the kids on Fridays, Nick could be irritated by a feeling of expectations not being met, rather than an actual burden. This isn’t so much a debate about whether he should help, but instead about the principle that major household decisions should not be made without discussion by both parties.
Dynamics Of Relationships And Communication:
In committed partnerships, while you might take on a role, adding a new variable—especially one that involves your home and your time—is usually something that should be discussed. Multiple couples subscribes to the philosophy of tickboxing — that couples should talk to one another about major decisions even if one half of the duo will end up bearing the brute of the decision. Nick might feel ignored in this process, which is likely why he is being passive-aggressive.
The “Off Day” Factor:
Even if indirectly, Nick may also be reacting because now he feels like people are trespassing on his personal time. The three hours in question were presumably his weekly “child-free time,” and although his wife was not babysitting, having another kid in the house might have made it seem more like work than R&R.
There’s also the specter of a gendered aspect to this—the majority of stay-at-home moms do not have “off days,” and perhaps he is used to a state of freedom that doesn’t fit within the parameters of child-rearing norms. If the roles were swapped, would he expect to use his education when it suited him?
Childcare as a Common Good
You CAN absolutely manage two children, but introducing another baby into your glorious little circus alters the household balance ever so slightly. Would Nick be able to jump in if something came up—for example, an emergency with your son? If not, well, that might be an indication of a larger problem regarding fair share of household responsibilities.
The internet had a lot of comments and questions to share.
Light YTA (with sympathy). It was a generous and heartfelt decision but not a unilateral one; you should have consulted Nick first because it impacts your shared home and family time. That being said, Nick’s got his passive-aggressive behavior and rude attitude towards your friend. Instead, a civil conversation discussing both your expectations, your respective time and a mutual consideration on how to proceed can alleviate this tension in the future.
