You Judged Him, Now You Need Him

OP is a single father and he and his ex have joint custody of their 9-year-old son, Caleb, who was diagnosed at age four with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and ADHD. Caleb’s struggles with his behavior made it almost impossible to find childcare for him, and after going through several sitters, they found their “unicorn sitter,” Mike, who has a rare talent for managing Caleb.” Caleb has been blossoming with Mike and OP and his ex are both grateful for Mike’s presence in their son life.

Caleb had met a classmate Luke and the boys wanted a sleepover. So, OP had set it up for Mike to come pick them up and supervise their time but Luke’s mom declined, not feeling comfortable with a male babysitter. Surprised, OP replied that if she wasn’t comfortable with a male caregiver, then she shouldn’t be comfortable with Luke sleeping over at OP’s house either. So he nixed the concept of playdates out of school between the boys.

A few months after that, Luke’s mom bumped into OP and–the irony–asked if Mike would be free to babysit for her as she was really needing one. It’s kind of weird for a man to be a sitter — yes, yes, I know, OP said — so OP declined. She tried to back track saying she was joking, but OP held her ground as expected the days requested were the same days that Mike was already scheduled to work for OP’s family. And he viewed her request to be unfair to him/ hypocritical because it was only because Mike was a level head that she was able to help now, she couldn’t help him really before

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OP’s frustration is completely understandable, as it highlights a common societal bias against male caregivers. While male nannies, teachers, and childcare workers are far less common than their female counterparts, the skepticism they face is often rooted in outdated gender norms rather than any legitimate concerns.

According to research, only about 3% of nannies are male, largely due to the stigma that men working in childcare are “unnatural” or even “suspicious.” This stems from deeply ingrained stereotypes associating caregiving with femininity, as well as unfounded fears regarding the safety of children in the care of men. However, studies have shown that male caregivers can be just as nurturing, effective, and professional as their female counterparts. In fact, some children—especially boys—may benefit from male role models in caregiver roles, particularly in single-mother or divorced-parent households where male influence might be limited.

The contradiction in Luke’s mom’s actions is clear: she initially dismissed Mike based on gendered assumptions, but when faced with a childcare emergency, she suddenly found herself willing to overlook those concerns. This kind of selective reasoning is problematic because it suggests that men in caregiving roles are only acceptable when it benefits the person making the judgment. OP had every right to feel insulted, as it appears that Mike’s competence was never truly the issue—rather, Luke’s mom let her own prejudices shape her perception until it was no longer convenient to maintain them.

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Additionally, OP was not simply being petty. The days Luke’s mom needed a sitter overlapped with Mike’s time working for OP’s family, which meant she was essentially asking to take away a trusted and essential resource from Caleb. Given Caleb’s history with sitters and how much he benefits from Mike’s care, it makes sense that OP would not be willing to risk compromising that relationship.

Let’s see what readers thought:

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OP shouldn’t have to “share” his sitter, especially to someone who’s negative and dismissive towards Mike in the past. If the mom from Luke still saw me untrustworthy, then she could find her own childcare option for Luke. And her demand was not merely hypocritical—it was entitled. Despite how his dad treated him, OP was absolutely right to stand his ground.