Honesty or Rudeness? MIL Rejects Every Gift She’s Given
A DIL who was less than impressed with her MIL bluntly replying to her and her husbands gifts took to Reddit to ask the age old question, is her MIL honest or rude? Anyway, the MIL has a history of turning down gifts, sometimes even gifting them back with something along the lines of, ‘You can keep that‘ or ‘I don’t want that. This has made gift-giving a real hassle, especially with Christmas and the MIL’s birthday coming up in the same week.
Hampers, vouchers and even a framed picture of her grandchildren have all been rejected/put away in her quest for the ‘perfect’ gift. The DIL believes that her MIL’s actions are impolite while her husband argues that that’s just her style of being “honest”. Compounding this burden, the MIL has an annual expectation of receiving a gift and freely expresses that she will feel “very hurt” if she does not receive such an offering, which the DIL must contend with year after year.
Gift-giving is the most fun part of the holiday season, but sometimes fussy people can spoil it for everyone else by being way too particular
The poster explained that her mother-in-law wasn’t an easy person to get along with and that when it came to receiving gifts, she was picky and gave back everything she didn’t like
Exploring Etiquette, Family Dynamics, and Gift Psychology
A tradition rooted in meaning and cultural custom, especially within families where gift-giving is a social ritual that transcends mere item exchange, gift-giving is much like Turkey on Thanksgiving: it isn’t all about the main course. The tale touches on themes of respect, communication, and the generational gap in notions of etiquette.
The Etiquette of Receiving Gifts
Modern etiquette says we should graciously accept a gift, whether we want it or not, because those bonds of relationships are important to maintain. Emily Post, the grand dame of etiquette, reminded us that dismissing a gift — even if it’s something you wouldn’t necessarily use or like — is not just rude but creates friction and contempt between friends, “especially when done in front of the giver.” That kind of behaviour from the MIL is dismissive and minimizes the value and intent that goes into every gift.
Generational Differences in Gift Expectations
For generations raised during periods of economic upheaval, views on gift-giving are often nuanced. They might appreciate practicality over sentimentality, or simply not want something they think has no use. This may account for some of the MIL’s rejections, but her open rejection of gifts could be indicative of bigger issues, including an inability to handle social niceties, or unresolved grief over the passing of her spouse. Research from the American Psychological Association shows that loneliness and loss take forms that are hard on family life.
Gift Psychology and Emotional Messages
Actually, the true meaning of a gift lies in the message it delivers. To reject a gift maybe to reject the relationship foundations it embodies. With the flying monkey example, the MIL declining gifts could represent a subconscious avoidance of vulnerability or an assertion of control during the interactions. But this response of hers was so negative that it needs to be understood through a psychological lens — one that tells you that the gift givers are sometimes perceived as givers based on self-retraitive perception, as per research from the Journal of Consumer Psychology.
Balancing Honesty with Politeness
The MIL’s insistence on ‘honesty’ has now opened up a moral can of worms, the ethical dilemma behind not accepting gifts. It’s one thing to express preferences, and another to do so in the right manner. The right approach, or at least a more balanced one, would have been to be gracious and accept the gifts but privately ask for no more of that gift but a different one next time. That fits more with the idea of “positive politeness” — which values relationships over brutal honesty.
Practical Strategies for the DIL
Navigating this dynamic requires both tact and a shift in strategy:
- Gift Minimalism: Opt for low-stakes gestures like handwritten cards or small, consumable items (e.g., quality tea or candles) to minimize rejection risks.
- Charitable Contributions: Make a donation in her name to a cause she values. This shifts the focus from material goods to altruistic acts, aligning with her possible distaste for receiving physical items.
- Open Communication: Encourage the husband to mediate a conversation with his mother to better understand her preferences and address the emotional undercurrents of her behavior.
Netizens agreed that the lady’s mother-in-law was quite rude and that her son should be tasked to pick out her presents
We may never know what personal demons or cultural biases the MIL has in her own head, but her gift rejection is outright rude. Compromise exists, but I also value her tastes in gifts and the amount of time and emotional capital that come with the act of giving. Ultimately, the situation shines a spotlight on some of the trickiest dynamics of family life, including the need for communication and respecting boundaries.
