‘Mom calls for family change as dad’s neglect impacts kids, asks if balancing family and early job is possible.’ AITA?
You are definitely NTA. * What your partner is doing is neglectful on a bottom-level of a father and partner If what you’ve said is accurate, then he isn’t even doing the bare minimum when it comes to his duties as a parent, and what he is doing -especially the binge drinking, disconnection, and verbal attacks -are harmful to your kids.
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- Neglecting His Parenting Duties:
- He sleeps excessively during the day and leaves young children (ages 4 and 7) unsupervised for hours while relying on screens to “babysit” them.
- He shouts at them instead of preparing them properly for activities.
- He refuses to participate in bedtime, hygiene, or meals.
- The kids are visibly scared of him, which is an alarming sign of emotional neglect.
- Prioritizing Drinking Over Family:
- Drinking two bottles of wine every night is a serious issue that likely contributes to his exhaustion and irritability.
- His late nights are a choice, meaning his struggles with sleep deprivation are self-inflicted and could be improved if he changed his habits.
- Failing to Support You as a Partner:
- He refuses to adjust his schedule or consider changing jobs despite clear evidence that his current lifestyle isn’t working for his family.
- He does not help on weekends at all, despite having two full days off to recover.
- When you ask for help, he responds with anger instead of problem-solving.
- Potential Emotional Abuse:
- His verbal aggression when disturbed, combined with your children’s fear of him, suggests an emotionally unsafe environment.
- His rants and shouting make both you and the kids walk on eggshells around him.
The Impact on Your Kids
Your children are scared of their father and feel relief when he is not home. That alone is a massive red flag. Studies on child development show that exposure to verbal aggression, neglect, and an emotionally unavailable parent can lead to:
- Anxiety and emotional distress
- Low self-esteem and behavioral issues
- Difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life
Is Parenting Incompatible with His Job?
No, it is not his early shift that’s the problem—it’s his choices. Plenty of parents work early shifts or night shifts and still manage to be present for their children. His late nights, excessive drinking, and refusal to adapt are self-imposed obstacles that he refuses to address.
Should You Make a Drastic Decision?
Honestly, yes, you should start considering your options. You cannot keep living like this, and your children should not be growing up in a home where they feel unsafe around their father.
Here are a few things to consider:
- Therapy or counseling (for yourself and possibly the kids): If he refuses to acknowledge his issues, focus on getting emotional support for you and your children.
- Legal and financial planning: If separation is a possibility, start looking into what that would mean for custody, finances, and housing.
- Setting non-negotiable boundaries: Tell him that the drinking and neglect must stop or you will take further steps.
- Seeking community support: Even though you live abroad, try to find parenting groups, school connections, or professional help.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
You are NTA at all. You are a parent who is being drained and supported and witnessing her child suffering. It’s not an insult to say he is a failing parent and partner. If he is not willing to change then you may need to remove yourself from this toxic environment for the sake of your children.
Is counseling or a break from them the next step?
