‘AITA for pointing out that none of my in-laws went to university?’

The poster (F24) who recently graduated university with First-Class Honors and had overcome hardships in her personal life went to a family event at her partners families house. While having dinner, a family member said to her, “Well done on what you did, but,” and her brother-in-law replied, “but it is nothing special — I read that many graduates are from university”. This hit home as brother-in-law had previously insulted her intelligence and he had dropped out of university himself.

OP responded with: “Well you didn’t do too well” and then went on to say that none of the in laws had a degree either. Some family members were supportive, others, including a mother of her partner, said ‘her comments were too cruel’. Now, the OP wonders if they were rightly justified or just overly aggressive.

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Interrelationship between Family success and Academic Achievement

Higher education can be laden with covert social and emotional significance in many families. Many families have enough challenges without deeming one another successes or failures based on their grades or courses, or lack thereof, with academic achievement seen as an important indicator of success — one that can be a source of anxiety, inadequacy, or even jealousy, especially within families with different educational histories. For example, research on family perceptions around education (e.g., Eccles et al., 1993) indicates that differences in academic achievement can lead to friction if perceived as braggadocio or condescension.

The OP was walking on eggshells considering her brother-in-law’s failure in life, and the family’s lack of degrees or honorifics. Her frustration is warranted — the entire subtext of this conversation is deliberatively belittling, after all — but her willingness to play the game risked making this matter into a case of who is morally and intellectually more virtuous. And you can see the defensive response — because who wants to feel that their worth is being gauged against an ideal they are not measuring up to?

Setting Boundaries and Resolving Conflict in Step-Families

Boundary issues are trickier in a blended family context, like in the OP with her partner’s relatives. Sociologists such as Ganong and Coleman have added that the way in which blended families manage conflict is an important factor in how blended families can maintain relationships, where respect for the relationships among people in the blended family is key to avoiding the potential to undermine the relationships among others in the blended family. Even though the OP was provoked into replying but their reply can be seen as mocking weakness in the family’s pride or some type of unity and it’s easy to see how that would provoke such a strong reaction.

How to respond to being dismissed?

Indeed, the brother-in-law had already set a pattern of dismissive comments. Such behavior, psychologists often say, is motivated by insecurity or a desire to exert dominance in social interactions. Directly confronting these people, like OP did, is often a recipe for disaster, especially if they are confronted in a public place. It might have been less inflammatory to use techniques such as deflection or have a private conversation with him about the disrespect.

Social Context: Similar Conflicts [Case Study]

Another Redditor shared a story about being made fun of by extended family online for their job as a first-generation college graduate. On resolving the matter, the graduate elaborated on his thoughts and stated many views and beliefs but he concluded by saying that he respects and values each and everyone contributing their part to the world at his own capacity in whichever way – as a skilled worker or anybody else but there were no wrong people. It avoided tension and created some understanding while not belittling their achievement.

Here’s what top commenters had to say about this one:

AITAH Verdict and Suggestions

Judgement: Everyone Sucks Here (ESH)

The OP: Her frustration was understandable, but she made nasty public comments that likely did not improve existing tensions.

The Bro-in-law: He was rude and needlessly inflammatory.

The Family: Instead of celebration they all immediately downplayed the OPs accomplishment, and then got defensive. Not a welcoming environment.

Suggestions for the OP:

Apologies for the tone, not the thought: Okay, maybe the one about how she is lacking degrees was a little extreme, but don’t forget to drive the point home of showing respect for accomplishments

Concentrate on allies: rekindle relationships with family members who do support you, but realize that even during the best of times overt conflict should be avoided with other family members.

Set a boundary: If the same disrespect happens again, respond assertively but neutrally: “I get where you’re coming from but I am very proud of what I did.”

This technique is also useful in striking the trade-off between holding your own respect and building harmony in your family.