Man Criticized for Telling Sister Her Pregnancy Announcement Doesn’t Count as a Christmas Gift
OP (32M) comes from a family that gets together for XMas every year at a very well-known vacation destination and the adults do a Secret Santa type thing with a $50-$100 limit. OP’s sister Heather (24F) had his name this year. During the gift exchange, Heather handed him what she told him was a DVD box set of his favorite show. Inside was a positive pregnancy test.
OP was really confused and asked what DVDs, assuming that there was going to be an actual gift. Heather went on to claim that the pregnancy was, in itself, her “gift” to OP and the family. Despite OP congratulating her, he was disappointed because in exchange for a congratulation or a gift, it is common to give a physical or handmade gift.
Heather’s pregnancy also complicates the situation — she’s not married, and the family doesn’t care for her boyfriend, so the announcement was bittersweet for all involved. OP’s parents think that he should be excited for the baby and move on but OP thinks that his wife did not deserve this cut because she got a heartfelt $100 spa gift card from a different side of the family.
When your entire family has a long-running tradition of exchanging gifts, naturally, you expect to get something
One man was upset that instead of a proper present, his sister announced that she was having a child
Navigating Traditions, Boundaries, and Emotional Responses
1. The Importance of Holiday Traditions
The tradition of holiday gift exchanges—especially those Secret Santas—goes well beyond material presents, as we live it through our families and connectedness. In this instance, the family tradition of Secret Santa comes with guidelines to set expectations for everyone involved – like a spending limit or a homemade gift. Heather announced her pregnancy in OP’s future niece’s birth announcement, with OP feeling burned because she was also giving a present to announce her pregnancy (where it’s usually a gift instead).
2. Pregnancy as a Gift: Thoughtful or Misplaced?
Though Heather thought her pregnancy reveal was a thoughtful, clever way to do it, it really does not satisfy the requirement of a Secret Santa swap. Life-changing news, yes, but not a present; instead, a family event Substituting a physical gift with an abstract one shifts the burden of a personal announcement during a collective celebration, possibly ostracizing the honoree.
3. Managing Expectations in Family Dynamics
Heather probably had good intentions when she framed her pregnancy as the “gift”, but there is a deeper question here about boundaries and expectations. This makes OP’s feeling of disappointment completely understandable considering the other gifts involved were obviously more thoughtful. On the one hand, Heather might believe her news did not deserve criticism, and on the other, felt it deserved to be celebrated, which might have escalated tension.
That raises the importance of communicating family traditions and balancing time between individual events (the 18th birthday or bar mitzvah) and family activities.
4. Emotional Impact and Resolution
To avoid drama, OP could take Heather aside, and while acknowledging her excitement about the pregnancy, gently explain why he felt disappointed by the gifts being given out. That might combine appreciation for the news with a reminder of the value of maintaining common traditions on both sides.
Most readers were on the guy’s side. Here’s what they said after reading through what happened
OP is not the a-hole because a Secret Santa exchange should come with some kind of “physical proof,” and OP’s feelings are based on established family expectations and the nature of gift-giving. But in Heather’s case — her obvious excitement in the pregnancy probably skewed her judgment rather than her malicious intent.
There is a disconnect between Kemi and the family as a whole, and for everyone to co-exist in harmony the two sides could potentially benefit from talking this out and recognizing their differing views.
