‘AITA for putting my ex on speakerphone in front of my new wife?’

Conversations on Speaker Phones: The Ethics and Legality of Co-Parenting

It also shows the tightrope walk between being honest with a new partner while respecting the private nature of a co-parenting relationship. OP, however, has a point of contention that walks the line of ethics and legality when it comes to talk to people over a speakerphone as a means to vent his frustrations.

The Privacy Expectation When Visiting Other People

Co-parenting means that ex-partners still have contact with each other, and that often entails sensitive matters related to their children. Even if there is no explicit agreement, both parties have a reasonable expectation of privacy. OP is at best compromising trust in co-parenting dynamics by putting his ex-wife on speakerphone without her knowledge. While he hopes to call attention to manipulative behavior, the approach can backfire too, leading to higher inflamed conflict.

One important factor is that in many jurisdictions, legally a reasonable expectation of privacy exists in conversations, which does extend to phone calls in some cases. Other states mandate that both parties must give consent in order for a conversation to be recorded or broadcast to others. Putting the calls on speaker phone probably falls into a sorta gray area of implied consent (although as OP wasn’t recording the calls, perhaps not particularly under local law – but his ex probably didn’t know the practice).

If a child goes through a divorce, it will no doubt have an emotional toll on them and co-parenting may never be fully stable afterwards.

Having a third person (here, OP’s spouse) involved in the co-parenting can only increase frictions and make co-parenting create one other dislocation for the kids. The co-parenting therapist who suggested you avoid speakerphone was likely trying to reduce conflict. According to the literature, children experience negative emotional effects of high-conflict co-parenting such as increased stress, anxiety and divided loyalties (Kelly, 2012).

For OP, The aim should be to find some non-inflamitory manner of record keeping or publicity. Other options are to email each other, or use apps for co-parenting that have a transparent trail and do not violate the privacy of the parties.

New Relationships: The Fine Line between Transparency and Over-Sharing

Of course OP is going to find some solace in his new wife. At the same time, making her a party to every fight with his ex could wear on the new marriage. Boundaries are important and while OP can and should express big ticket items, the wife being on every call is gonna put her in a position where at some point she feels like apart of the fight. This view can be hazardous, as it turns the new relationship into a re-battle.

Here’s what people had to say to OP: