Husband Struggles as Wife’s Negative Comments Influence Daughter to Reject His Cooking

The OP (41M) is having a difficult family situation when it comes to meals. My heart broke after reading this story from Reddit about his (39F) wife openly critiquing his homemade meals, sometimes with over-the-top gestures (gagging) or ridiculous put downs (commenting on caloric content). This has progressed to his young daughter following in the footsteps of her mother, refusing to eat any meal he has made–even meals she used to love,–without tasting them.

The OP enjoys cooking for her family and considers this behavior painful and disrespectful, particularly after spending hours at a time cooking from scratch. When he tries to raise the issue with his wife and daughter himself, his wife denies that there is any problem, claiming that their daughter just likes other foods better and that he is overreacting. Things came to a clash when OP forcefully sent his daughter to her room as a punishment for skipping breakfast, and that sowed another seed of disagreement between him and his wife. Now OP wants suggestions on to how reroute his daughter and also the odd tension between himself and his wife.

Many people, like this dad, find cooking therapeutic and enjoyable

But no matter how much love he puts into his meals, he’s met with snide remarks and gagging at the dinner table

Addressing Family Dynamics and Food Aversion

This is an area that intersects with multiple issues: R-E-S-P-E-C-T (how can these people have a career working with children with this attitude – or maybe this attitude is a symptom of possibly encouraging needless problems), poor role modeling (the last thing I want to do is shape the food aversions of my kids), and at least in the case of my kids, intellectual engagement. Overcoming these factors (or “populations”) calls for a complex treatment that both addresses the different causes while creating a sustainable and healthy family relationship.

The Impact of Parental Role Modeling

Especially when it comes to food, children have the tendency to mimic the way their parents behave. In this situation, the wife has redubed OP to their daughter, turning OP cooking into this evil thing personified by her mum —due to her excessive grandstanding and contemptuous mutterings. Child psychology suggests that a parent (and adult in general)’s relationship with food will mostly determine a child’s relationship with food. If they always hear that some food is bad, yucky, etc., it can later prompt to develop food aversions, pickiness, and later even unhealthy relationship with food.

Not only does the wife undercut OP all the time with her behavior, but it also communicates mixed messages to their daughter. She slams OP for all these “unhealthy” meals but then describes chicken nuggets as an alternative — foods that are literally less nourishing. It can make a child feel confused about the fact that it is okay to refuse what is being given to them if it means they will receive what they really want.

Communication and Conflict Resolution

So, the way out of this is simply talking through it. The conversation needs to move away from just the daughter — and how she may be feeling — and toward the wife, who is contributing to the dynamic. It is important to have a clear the air discussion with her that is respectful but firm regarding how her comments affect others. OP might say something like:

Saying cringe stuff about my cooking, it hurts me, but does nothing but sets a bad example for our girl. She is learning to decline food that she has never tasted and is developing hill climbing habits that could affect her health and our family life. I want us to collectively commit to a higher standard of behavior around the table.

Redirecting the Daughter’s Behavior

Rebuilding the daughter’s trust in OP’s meals will take patience and consistency. Here are some strategies:

1. Involve Her in Cooking: Children are more likely to eat meals they help prepare. Inviting the daughter to assist in small tasks like stirring or adding ingredients can create a sense of ownership over the meal.
2. Positive Reinforcement: Praise her when she tries new foods, even if she doesn’t eat much. A simple, “I’m proud of you for giving it a taste,” can go a long way.
3. Set Clear Expectations: Establish a family rule that everyone must at least try a bite of the meal before deciding they don’t like it. Frame this as a way to respect the effort that goes into cooking.
4. Unified Front: Both parents must agree to model positive mealtime behaviors. If the wife continues to criticize, it undermines any progress. OP and his wife need to agree on consistent messaging about food and respect.

Professional Support

If the wife is not willing to admit her part in the situation, then seeking family counseling could be a beneficial route. An impartial third person can help them talk over topics like respect and the way in which their behavior influences their child’s growth.

The man provided more info in the comments

OP, what you have here is a trifecta of hurt feelings, parenting and marital discord. Know that you can be frustrated and also feel disrespected. But this can only be resolved at the ROOT of the problem, and not simply by punishing your daughter for example, as it comes from a more serious issue that is the poor example of your wife. By promoting transparency and a cohesive approach to family meals, you can get on the road to family harmony.